we are closer.

I hate this crushing feeling of disappointment. I disappointed myself and possibly my sister and Evette. but they aren't my concern at the moment. right now this feeling makes me want to cry. why do I do that? I felt myself withdrawing, pulling back and hesitating. why did I? I was aware of it but couldn't bring myself to change it, to act any different. I feel like a failure. but at the same time I don't know exactly how I failed because Evette played with my head and got me really nervous. not to mention Jenn's comments. he was really sweet about it though. gah, did he have to be so cute? in all honesty that kid's eyes were incredible. he stared into mine a lot .....at the beginning of the night. he kind of made me feel as if I were the only one in the room; I've never really felt that way before. maybe that's why I reacted the way I did. but they just make me so nervous in general. I hate feeling out of my element.
but he said he doesn't plan on staying long. he's headed to the San Diego area soon. I plan on staying here until next spring and then maybe heading to Chicago. maybe I feel like this because he was really nice, funny, smart, extremely opinionated, and cute. finding someone funny, sweet, and smart are high on my list. and how he introduced himself to Alorany made me smile :) he is definitely charming.
part of me thinks if its meant to develop into something more, then it will. but then another part thinks that I screwed up royally. I definitely had a restless night that's for sure.

so I don't know what the verdict is. I'm having this internal argument with myself. I'm crazy; I don't know the guy and he doesn't know me. plus he's 20. boy was he shocked to hear I am 17 lol. I hate feeling so inadequate....without knowing how to change my behavior or what I naturally do so I am more ..prepared for the next time around?
I. don't. know. I'm not a flippin expert unfortunately.
I know I am thinking too much into this but that is what I do. I've become accustomed to my habits and this happens to be one of them.
listening to this CD helps. I can always just play The Fray and either forget about it for awhile or contemplate it while I listen to my boys.