I tried to convince myself that it doesn't matter but then I would be lying to myself. and when you lie to yourself and then have to put up a front for other people, you are bound to get caught up in your version of the "truth" and then have a meltdown. I will at least. I think that my only solution is to keep myself busy and tired so I don't have time to think about it but that is extremely difficult since you're the monster underneath, feeding off my dreams where I thought I was safe. so I am no longer content in my sleep either. why do I do this to myself? ever time. shit. yeahhhhh the keep busy plan is the best solution. man, I was doing okay and then Thursday happened and those eyes. geez I'm a lunatic. to top it off, I have no idea what career to go into. sure, its easy to say "writing" but to actually go through with it? hah don't make me laugh. I hate having this decision weighing on me. and on top of that, I think I have fallen in love with Columbia College Chicago which presents a problem since they are an art school and I need to major in an art to go there. which would be fine if writing was my decision.
I hate this. why can't someone tell me "you need to do this and be ________" that would be so much easier than the possibility of me making the wrong choice, wasting my life and then having to go back to get educate when I actually know for certainty what I want to do.
but nooooo, that's too simple.