i can do this. i will do this.

you know what the worst part is?
don't get me wrong, there are plenty of bad things. not being around you, not talking to you, not having you here with me is my own hell, something no one can possibly understand. but the worst part is knowing that you aren't at all like others see you.
I have to refrain from defending you and therefore I do not talk about you often, which kills me. I just miss you so much. I miss your voice, your laugh, your smile and our endless lively conversations. I don't pretend when I'm with you and I've never been anyone but myself.
as I am typing this out, I just realized that this is a test. If I can keep from driving myself crazy and if I can hold it together and behave smartly, then I could end up with the life I want. I just need to stop dwelling on the hard parts and think of the happier ones.