I still try holding onto silly things

Nothing seems to help. There are days that are pretty good, and then there are days that I feel like there is a huge hole in me, like something is missing. Which something, someone is. but it still hurts to feel like that.
This morning I made a pot of coffee. I made too much which always happens and yet, I continue to make the same amount. As I was dumping the old coffee down the drain, I thought of her. The smell of coffee always reminds me of her. My eyes welled up and I almost started crying. That feeling comes and goes. Its still extremely hard to accept and I wish constantly that this was all a dream. That week was so unreal and I still hope to wake up.
I'm glad she isn't in pain anymore, but it doesn't make it any easier to not be able to see her, talk to her in person and hear her say "I loves you, loves you, loves you!" I just wish I could have hugged her one last time. That, I think, is what hurts the most. I can remember her hugging me a few years ago, before all of this crap happened, back when she had long hair and always wore it in a side braid, and I remember feeling so happy in her embrace, so loved.
I feel really guilty for the granddaughter I was these last few months and I wish I would have acted differently. But, I know that if it was to happen all over again, I would do the same thing because as much as I wish I would act differently, I wouldn't because I'm a horrible person and now I have to live with that.