take me take me back to your bed

I love you so much that it hurts my head. I don't mind you under my skin, I let the bad parts in, the bad parts in.

I don't know what I am doing anymore other than what needs to be done. Sage is getting to me. I now have thoughts hovering over me about science and biology and nursing. I don't know anything for certain anymore except that I am yet again uncertain. I have noticed a pattern and while the pattern isn't necessarily bad, I just wish I knew. I wish I knew so many things. I wish I could do so many things over again only that I am pleased with most things. Except that one thing that I don't think I will ever forgive myself for. That is my one true regret thus far. It's really sad that I dwell so much on that mistake too because it tends to override all of the wonderful things. The wonderful things feel like they happened so long ago that it is hard to connect to those moments when everything felt perfect in my young naive mind. I sometimes wish I could go back to that time and I always wish that I was back in her kitchen, the aroma of coffee in the air, the heater on too high, the cards on the yellow table and her telling me "I loves you loves you loves you" while wrapping her arms around me. I miss that so much. oh God, the way she smelled. or the last time I saw her before it all happened. I wish I could see her smile and feel her fragile arms around my neck and I just really wish I could take back some of my selfish actions.