sing us a song and we'll sing it

back to you. we could sing our all but what would it be without you?
My Heart makes me think of Grandma....a LOT. Especially when I am alone listening to it late at night and I think about the last few years and how everything played out.
I just really wish I could take a lot of it back.
The way I acted, the way I treated her and the rest of them, the way I thought, my attitude, it all just makes me sad and disappointed in myself and the person I was. I've changed quite a bit, its just growing up mostly, but I wish I could have done that before it was too late. Jenn's right, this is a lesson and I definitely won't take anyone for granted anymore but why couldn't I have treated her better?
I was actually mad at her for a long time because she had changed. I mean, who does that?! Get mad at someone for changing when change is supposed to be good and when they've changed themselves?
I'm all screwed up, that's for sure.
So much family history and drama, ups and downs, and I acted horribly towards the one person who made things better for a long time. Then, when she needed me, needed her family most, I bailed out and got angry.
That makes me a horrible person and nothing can change that now because she's gone. I feel so ashamed and guilty. There are times when it seems to be getting better but then I just breakdown again. I suppose its what they call the "grieving period". or is it "grieving process"? whatever. I don't care.
I just want her hug one last time. and I want to hear her say I love you. I need that.
You live and learn I guess. I learned to be a better human being, let's just hope I can use my new knowledge.

This time I will be listening.